Monday, September 20, 2010
WIZARD OF OZ JOKES
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
Wizard of Oz
A man jumps off a building at the same time that another man pisses. Which hits the ground first?
The piss, because nobody beats the Wiz!
The Wizard of Oz
At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in.The toad says 'Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis.''I've told you animals, I can't help you with any big problems, ' responds the wizard. 'You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz.'So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad.'Oh wizard, ' the elephant begins, 'please help me. I was born without a trunk.'Now the wizard is infuriated. 'Don't you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!'The elephant responds 'But, wizard how do I get to the Wizard of Oz?''Oh that's easy, ' says the wizard. 'Just follow the yellow dicked toad!'
The Wizard of Guffaws
riddles about The Wizard of Oz
by Rick and Ann Walton
Q: Why did Dorothy scream?
A: Because the Tin Man stepped on her toto.
Q: How do you kill a wild tornado?
A: With a blow gun.
Q: Was Dorothy a good actress?
A: Yes, she brought the house down.
Q: Where did Dorothy slip and fall down?
A: On the Yellow Slick Road.
Q: Who made the yellow slick road slippery?
A: The Wizard of Ooze.
Q: What did Dorothy sing after she slipped?
A: "Somewhere over the sprained toe!"
Q: Who made Dorothy fall asleep in the poppy field?
A: The Wicked Witch of the Rest.
Q: What did the Munchkins become when a house landed on them?
Q:Why did the Munchkins burn down Dorthy's house?
A: Because they wanted to give her a housewarming.
Q: What has wings but can't fly, sticks its head in the sand, and takes Munchkins for rides?
Q: How did the Munchkins communicate?
A: In Yellow Brick Code.
Q: How did the tornado damage Dorothy's home?
A: It blew it up.
Q: What part of Kansas did Toto come from?
Q: Where did Dorothy travel when she wanted to make friends?
A: Down the Hello Brick Road.
Q: Who was called after Dorothy smashed the Wicked Witch of the East?
A: A witch doctor.
Q: Did the tornado excite Dorothy?
A: Yeah, she got carried away.
Q: What did the Munchkins eat for dessert?
A: The Jello Brick Road.
Q: Who lives in the Emerald City part of the time and in space the rest of the time?
Q: What did Dorothy wear when she was tired?
A: Ruby Sleepers.
Q: Where did the Oztronauts land their rockets?
A: On Ozteroids.
Q: What kid in the Emerald City got the best grades in school?
A: The Wizard of A's.
Q: What relative did Dorothy meet at the Emerald City?
A: Auntie Gem.
Q: Who in Oz makes friends with lions but kills bulls?
Q: Who follows Matadorothy around?
A: A To-toreador.
Q: What is the To-toreador?
A: He's a bulldog.
Q: What cleaned all the garbage out of Kansas?
A: A janitor-nado.
Q: Who kept throwing garbage at Dorothy and her friends?
A: The Wicked Witch of the Waste.
Q: How do old people get around in Oz?
A: They use Munch-canes.
Q: What did the Munchkins sing after the Wicked Witch of the East stole their food and ate it?
A: "Ding, Dong, the Witch is fed..."
Q: What kind of trees grow in the Emerald City?
Q: How did the Lollipop Guild travel in Munchkinland?
A: Down the Yellow Lick Road.
Q: Which of Dorothy's friends had spent a lot of time out in the sun?
A: The Tan Woodsman of Oz.
Q: Which of Dorothy's friends had to have his mouth washed out with soap?
A: The Swearcrow of Oz.
Q: What place in Oz has the most plants?
A: The Emerald City. It's full of greenhouses.
Q: What grows best in the greenhouses?
A: Green vegetables.
Q: What's the Tin Woodsman's head filled with?
Q: What hopped along beside Dorothy as she traveled through Oz?
Q: Why did Dorothy and her friends hate the tin woodsman in the morning?
A: Because he liked to get up oily.
Q: What did Dorothy cut herself with?
A: The Scissors of Oz.
Q: Who did Dorothy visit when she cut herself?
A: The Wizard of Gauze.
Q: What part of Dorothy's house spun round and round during the tornado?
A: The house-top.
Q: What did the Wicked Witch of the East eat ice cream in?
Q: What did Dorothy say when she walked into the circus tent?
A: "Lions and Tigers and Chairs, oh my!"
Q: What would you get if you smashed Toto?
A: A totortilla.
Q: What did Dorothy wear when she was thirsty?
A: Ruby Sippers.
Q: Who did Dorothy run into when winter came?
A: The Blizzard of Oz
Q: Who saved Dorothy from getting lost in the blizzard?
Q: What did Dorothy ride on during the blizzard?
Q: Who made the Blizzard of Oz go away?
A: The Wizard of Thaws.
Q: What brought the Lullaby League to Munchkinland?
A: A snore-nado.
Q: Which of Dorothy's friends looked like a box?
A: The Squarecrow of Oz.
Q: Who was the Squarecrow's best friend?
A: The Cowardly Line.
Q: Who kept trying to make Dorothy trip and fall?
A: The Wicked Ditch of the West.
Q: What did the Tin Man say after he fell into a fire?
A: "I'm molten! molten!"
Q: What did the Tin Man say when he chopped down a tree?
Q: What's the best kind of house to hit a witch with?
A: A clubhouse. Q: Who was the kindest of Dorothy's friends?
A: The Carecrow of Oz.
Q: Who gave the Wizard of Oz warts?
A: The Yellow Brick Toad.
Q: What did Dorothy have on her arm?
A: A Toto tattoo.
Q: Who were the first residents of Oz?
A: The Oztecs.
Q: Who did Dorothy meet in the desert?
A: The Lizard of Oz.
Q: What's the yellow brick road paved with?
Q: What did the Scarecrow say when the Wicked Witch knocked the stuffing out of him?
A: "That's the last straw!"
Q: What did the eyewitnesses say when they saw Dorothy get in an automobile accident?
A: "Come out, come out, wherever you are, and meet the young lady who fell from a car."
Q: What did the Munchkins say as Dorothy left Munchkinland?
A: "Drop in again sometime!"
Q: Who kept making Dorothy scratch herself?
A: The Wicked Itch of the West.
Q: What insect did Dorothy see in the tornado?
A: A housefly.
Q: What did the Munchkins sing after the good witch turned the Wicked Witch of the West into a dinner roll?
A: "Ding, Dong, the Witch is bread..."
Q: What did Dorothy's dog sit on when he got tired?
Q: What did the Munchkins tell Dorothy to do if she got hungry?
A: "Swallow the Yellow Brick Road."
Q: Who cut down all the trees in Munchkinland?
A: The Wizard of Saws.
Q: Who always told Dorothy the wrong time?
A: The Wicked Watch of the West.
Q: What's the best way to blow up Toto?
A: With a Totorpedo.
Q: Who did Toto want to chase while he was in Oz?
A: The Emerald Kitty.
Q: What happened when a tornado sucked up Toto and the Cowardly Lion?
A: It rained cats and dogs.
Q: How did Dorothy's dog travel through Oz?
Q: Who did the Scarecrow visit when the wicked witch knocked the stuffing out of him?
A: The Wizard of Straws.
Q: Who followed Dorothy around, waiting for her to die?
A: The Buzzard of Oz.
Q: What did Dorothy's dog wear when he went dancing?
A: A Toto tutu.
Q: What did Dorothy say when she wanted to go to Italy?
A: "There's no place like Rome! There's no place like Rome!" Q: What would Dorothy's dog wear if they went to Rome?
A: A Totoga.
Q: What did Dorothy wear when she fed the pigs?
A: Ruby Sloppers.
Q: What did Dorothy take when she had a headache?
Q: What did Dorothy say when she wanted to go to Alaska?
A: "There's no place like Nome! There's no place like Nome!"
Q: What path in Oz plays beautiful music as you travel on it?
A: The Cello Brick Road.
Q: Who did the Cowardly Lion visit when he got a thorn in his foot?
A: The Wizard of Paws.
Q: What did Toto become when the Indians found him?
A: A Tototem pole.
Q: Where did Dorothy go when she was in a hurry?
A: Down the Yellow Quick Road.
Q: What did Dorothy say when she walked into a dark fruit orchard?
A: "Lions and Tigers and Pears, oh my!"
Q: What did the wicked witch of the west put on their sandwiches?
Q: What did the Munchkins sing when the Wicked Witch of the East fell into her food processor?
A: "Ding, Dong, the Witch is shred..."
Q: Why would the Wicked Witch of the East have made a good pet?
A: Because she was housebroken.
Q: What did the Wicked Witch of the West eat for breakfast?
Q: What did the wicked witch make Dorothy eat while she was in Oz?
Q: What did the Wicked Witch of the East keep her food in?
Q: What did the Wicked Witch of the East eat at noon?
A: Lunchkins. Q: And what did she drink?
Q: Who kept telling the Wizard everything Dorothy did wrong?
A: The Wicked Snitch of the West.
Q: What should you hold over your head if you want Dorothy to kiss you?
Q: Who visits the Munchkins on Christmas?
A: The Wizard of Claus.
Q: Where was the Tin Woodsman born?
A: In Tin-buktu.
Q: Why was the Tin Woodsman hard to get along with?
A: Because he was heartless and he had an ax to grind.