FAMOUS SAYINGS

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'




- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)







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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'



- Eleanor Roosevelt







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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..



- Mark Twain



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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible



- George Burns



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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.



- Victor Borge



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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.



- Mark Twain



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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.



- Socrates



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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.



- Groucho Marx



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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.



- Jimmy Durante



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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.



- Zsa Zsa Gabor



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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.



- Alex Levine



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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.



- Rodney Dangerfield



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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.



- Spike Milligan



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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .



- Joe Namath



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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything untilnoon. Then it's time for my nap.



- Bob Hope



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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..



- W. C. Fields



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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.



- Will Rogers



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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.



- Winston Churchill



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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..



- Phyllis Diller



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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.



- Billy Crystal



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And --the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.